Fireworks on the Farm
by Donraj
Summary: So close. She was so close to getting off scot-free for the incident with the Alicorn Amulet. But then that blasted farm pony had to open her mouth. And now Trixie is stuck on yet another stupid dirt farm in the middle of nowhere doing stupid chores and dealing with stupid hick ponies. It's enough to make a mare... Wait. That's her brother!


"Beatrix Lulamoon, for the crimes of insurrection, slavery, use of dark magic, abuse of foals, interdiction of transit, destruction of public property, sexual harassment and generally being an incredibly unpleasant pony I hereby sentence you to six months of community service."

Silence reigned in the courtroom in the wake of Princess Twilight Sparkle's verdict. Trixie blinked, not sure if she had heard correctly. Twilight looked at her anxiously.

"Did I do that right? It's not too harsh of a punishment, is it?!"

The miniature purple dragon sitting in the smaller throne at Twilight's side slapped the palm of one clawed hand into the middle of his face. Trixie opened her mouth to say something, thought better of the idea and shut it again. After a few seconds thought she reopened it and said in a carefully neutral tone of voice, "No, your Grace. Trixie accepts her punishment and thanks your Grace for her just and merciful sentence."

Twilight looked relieved. "Oh good. I was worried for a second there."

Trixie stood stock-still, not quite believing her good fortune. She plucked up her courage just enough to ask, "And what will Trixie's service consist of?"

Princess Twilight Sparkle looked startled.

"Oh, I hadn't actually thought of that."

More draconic face-palming. Trixie spared the drake an annoyed look, hoping against hope that he wasn't about to ruin things at the last minute.

Twilight ignored the exchange. Suddenly her face brightened.

"I know! It's Bookfest Day at the library soon, kicking off Book Month, my first official holiday. I'm sure Spike could use some help with that."

"Twilight," the dragon said in a patient voice with a just barely plausibly deniable undertone of sarcasm. "The library got blown up, remember?"

Twilight seemed to wilt. "Oh. Right."

"Wait a second," called a scratchy, tomboyish voice from out in the gallery. "You mean she did all that and she gets to walk away with just six months of community service?!"

Twilight turned to look at the speaker. "Actually Rainbow Dash, if I can't think of anything else for her to do I might have to just let her off with a suspended sentence."

Rainbow Dash made a choking sound. Trixie's heart thumped in her chest. Was it really possible?

Another voice chimed in and doused Trixie's hopes like a sudden downpour. "Actually Twi, Ah can think of some things on the farm that need doing. Wouldn't hurt to have an extra set of hooves to help out with that."

Trixie turned to stare in horror at the Stetson-wearing earth pony who had made the suggestion. The farm mare smiled and returned the look with a distinctly unpleasant glint in her eye.

Twilight on the other hand looked pleased as punch. "It's settled then! Thank you Applejack for volunteering your help to the court."

"Tweren't nothing Twi," she replied, giving Trixie a smirk as she did. Trixie sputtered to come up with a response.

"Wait!"

Twilight turned to regard her. "Yes, Ms Lulamoon?"

"You can't be serious! Trixie isn't at all suited for farm labor!"

"You did say that you worked on a rock farm!" the annoyingly perky pink earth pony with the poofy mane chirped from next to the farm pony. "And Papa Pie says you were really good at it once he broke you of your flashy habits and entitlement complex!"

Trixie glared at the pink earth pony. Pinkie Pie smiled in reply as horrible memories of dirt and manual labor came flooding back to Trixie. Twilight looked thoughtful.

"Ms Lulamoon, if you wish to appeal the verdict you have that right. I will make arrangements for Princess Celestia to hear your case in Canterlot forthwith. I am certain she does not harbor any desire to make an example out of you for challenging her sovereignty while she was on diplomatic business abroad."

Trixie stared incredulously. Princess Twilight Sparkle looked back in what seemed like total sincerity.

"On second thought, Trixie is a mare of many talents and would welcome the chance to use them in the service of Appleseed's farm."

"Applejack," came the farm pony's annoyed correction. Trixie ignored her. Princess Twilight Sparkle looked pleased again.

"Excellent! Now that everypony has come to an agreement I hereby declare this case closed!"

She banged a gavel with her magic. Trixie slumped into her chair. It was going to be a long six months.

†

Appleseed was waiting outside the courthouse, which was really a sofa and quills store that Twilight had borrowed for her first official case dispensing justice as the Princess of Friendship. She was still grinning when she stopped talking to her blue pegasus friend and turned her attention to Trixie. Trixie felt a twinge in her stomach but put on a haughty face.

"Well, Trixie supposes you will be wanting to set a date for Trixie to begin her service? No doubt there are administrative and logistical arrangements to be made before—"

"Workday starts at 5:00 A.M. sharp. Show up late and you don't git no breakfast."

Trixie's face was a study in outrage. "5:00 A.M?!" she shouted in disbelief. "Why just getting to your wretched farm will take—"

"No time at all," Appleseed finished. "Got a pallet all set up for y'all in the barn."

"The barn?!" Trixie very nearly screamed. Even on the rock farm she'd had the spare bedroom to herself.

"Eyup," Appleseed said, clearly enjoying herself. "Clean straw and everythang."

Trixie was very close to being reduced to incoherent glubbing noises but she forced herself to retain her composure.

"Now look here, little hayseed. If you think you can just order Trixie to—"

"Unless of course you'd like ta try yer luck in Canterlot," Appleseed cut in again with a big shit-eating grin. Trixie fell silent. Appleseed gave her a wink.

"That's what Ah thought. Now git that soft flank of yours moving. We're burning daylight and Ah've still got chores that need doing today. Some ponies gotta work for a living."

Trixie trudged along after her new tormenter with the silence of a condemned mare marching to the scaffold.

†

"Well, looks like somepony finally done decided she weren't too good to chow down with the rest of us."

Trixie was doing an extremely good imitation of a zompony as she shambled into the Apple family dining room. Appleseed had on her usual smirk. Trixie made an unintelligible sound in reply.

"Ah'm a gonna assume that was yer belly rumbling, Miss Great and Powerful. Well settle yerself down at the table. We got ourselves some mighty fine vittles coming right up."

Trixie plopped herself down bonelessly into one of the indicated chairs. Some small part of her that was awake enough to be vindictive hoped the chair would break or at least creak, but it proved annoyingly sturdy. She heard Appleseed snigger behind her. Trixie had the uncomfortable impression that the earth pony had read her mind. She was putting together a snarky and probably ill-advised comeback when she caught a whiff of something that filled her mouth with enough drool to make speech unfeasible.

A yellow earth pony filly with a bright red mane walked in balancing a pitcher of apple juice. An old earth pony mare with a faded green coat trailed behind her. She was holding a saucer of what looked like butter but probably contained apples as well. Because everything on this stupid farm involved apples. Trixie had long since decided she hated apples. She decided to express her frustration obliquely.

"Where's breakfast? Trixie is starving!"

Appleseed gave Trixie an angry look and started to say something but Granny Smith beat her to the bunch.

"Now simmer down there Sally! Big Macintosh will be here with the pancakes in just a sec. Ain't that right Big Mac?"

"Eyup," came a baritone rumble from back in the kitchen. Trixie rolled her eyes and waited to be introduced to the last member of the hick clan chosen as her tormenters.

A god pony of heroic stature strode into the dining room balancing a enormous platter of steaming hot pancakes on his back. Trixie gaped as she watched the casual ripple of muscle and sinew under his chest. His coat was damp with sweat and clung to his exquisite man-meat in all the right places. When he reached the table and bent to put down the platter his mane flopped over to one side, droplets of water catching the light just enough to make it glitter like dew on spun gold. He nodded politely at the newcomer at the table.

Trixie was drooling for an entirely different reason now. She was vaguely aware of the annoying farm mare saying something that was probably stupid and apple-related but Trixie was far more interested in the bright green apples on those slabs of stallion flesh that had been sculpted into the shape of the finest flank Trixie had ever seen outside of her own mirror. This one by contrast was infinitely masculine in a perfectly equal and opposite counterpoint to her own magnificent hindquarters. Yes, Trixie thought, such beauty and sensual potency could only be adequately described in relation to Trixie's own amazing appearance.

The annoying pony said something else Trixie couldn't make out. Trixie ignored her and lifted a hoof to her face self-consciously. She was suddenly acutely aware of how dirty and unkempt her mane was after a few days spent alternately too tired and too busy to groom herself properly. The stallion turned calm eyes that bespoke of bottomless reserves of patience and fortitude to Trixie and the bedraggled unicorn found herself blushing as he rumbled, "Howdy, Miss Trixie."

Trixie's heart pounded. "Y-You know Trixie's name?" she stammered. She forced her usual confidence back into her voice. "Of course you do," she amended. "Trixie did not intend to imply that you are the kind of dullard who would be ignorant of the legend of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

As she spoke Trixie hopped up onto her chair, exhaustion vanishing as she stood upright on her hind legs while she threw her forehooves out in a grand theatrical gesture. Once the phantom fireworks in her head faded Trixie lowered herself to rest her hooves flat on the table in front of her.

"Which means you may well be the first stallion ever to have Trixie at a disadvantage," she purred, narrowing her eyes as she spoke. "Who are you and what, other than Trixie, are you doing on this dingy dirt clod of a farm?"

It was difficult to say who was more shocked. The glorious centaur of virility's reaction was subdued but immense, an earthquake compacted into a gesture. His eyes widened slightly and he looked to the annoying pony, who rolled her own eyes in response. The annoying filly looked confused.

The annoying old pony reacted first. She reached across the table with her cane and rapped it across one of Trixie's hooves. She glowered fiercely and said in a cranky voice, "Get yer filthy hooves off my table, young filly! We Apples may be raised on a farm but under this roof we show proper manners!"

Trixie jerked her hoof back. This caused her to lose balance and tilt over sideways. She flailed uselessly in an attempt to stop what was probably going to be a painful spill but could already feel the nauseating sensation of freefall. Trixie closed her eyes and hoped that whatever injuries she was about to receive wouldn't be on her face.

Her face did thud into something. It was firm but padded and utterly unlike the wooden floor of the Apple family homestead. Trixie kept her eyes squeezed shut for a few seconds longer until it dawned on her that the side of her muzzle was buried into something warm and covered with short, soft hairs. She slowly pulled back and looked up to see the face of the divine stallion looking down on her with a concerned expression. She looked backed down and realized he was cradling her in his forehooves. He had caught her.

"You alright ma'am?" the stallion rumbled, his bass voice carrying an undercurrent of concern that whisked Trixie's heart out into deep waters.

Trixie looked back up. "But, how? You were...you jumped all the way over the table to get to Trixie?!" she asked as she realized what must have happened.

"Eyup," came the placid reply.

Trixie's head swam. "Nopony has ever—"

Words failed her. Trixie elected to snuggle her head against the big stallion's chest instead. She felt him draw back a little but continued to press in, determined to show her gratitude and enjoy the moment. The sound of the persistently annoying pony clearing her throat ruined the moment.

"Trixie, what do you think yer doing?"

Trixie opened one eye enough to glare at Appleseed. "Trixie is showing her gratitude to this brave, strong stallion who unlike you is a perfect gentlecolt with many admirable qualities." She sniffed. "Why such a specimen would be found around the likes of you Trixie hasn't the slightest clue."

Trixie paused for a moment before continuing in an arch tone, "Trixie supposes your general lack of refinement and clear inclination towards dirty and unpleasant things might render you uniquely suited for performing services more self-respecting mares would not provide." She gave the big stallion another appreciative glance. "Hard as it might be to refuse him," she added suggestively.

For some reason Appleseed responded to the compliment with a glare. "Now wait just an apple-picking minute. Whaddya mean—"

She was interrupted by the sound of the old pony cackling. She nudged the paragon of masculinity's leg with her cane.

"Never fails, does it Big Macintosh?" she said with a wink. Big Macintosh looked uncomfortable. Trixie wondered why and decided to fix the problem by giving him more praise and attention. That always made ponies feel better.

"Trixie thanks you for your gallant assistance, Big Macintosh. Our hosts could stand to learn from a stallion as virtuous as you clearly are."

The awkward feeling grew stronger. Trixie decided to try diplomacy. She nodded to the annoyingly perky filly with the bow and said, "Wouldn't you like to have a special somepony like him one day?"

Big Macintosh made a choking sound. The filly looked horrified for a moment, then burst out into hysterical giggles. The old pony began to cackle shortly thereafter, and soon after that Appleseed's glare gave way to helpless guffaws. Trixie looked around in confusion, more than a little nonplussed. When it subsided a bit she tried again.

"Oh, Trixie apologizes, little filly. Have you really decided you are not interested in stallions at such a young age?" Trixie said very reasonably and with unimpeachable courtesy, having come to the most logical explanation possible.

For some reason that prompted even more laughter. Trixie was getting annoyed.

"What? Trixie does not see anything humorous about her making obvious inferences."

More laughter. The filly in particular seemed to be having difficulty breathing. After two or three fruitless attempts she managed to say, "He's mah brother!"

Trixie felt blood rush to her cheeks for an entirely different reason this time. She looked at the little hayseed in surprise.

"Trixie is surprised," she said matter-of-factly. "Why are you two in such a dismal and unpleasant place as this?"

"He's mah brother too," Appleseed said dryly, seeming unsure whether to be offended or amused but apparently deciding to default to the sardonic. "He lives here."

Trixie looked aghast. "On a farm?!" she said incredulously. "Working in the dirt?!"

"Eyup," Applejack said, clearly having decided to go with amused. "That's why they call us earth ponies."

Trixie looked back up at her savior. "Trixie extends her deepest condolences," she said frankly. "She too knows what it is like to live among ignorant hicks who do not appreciate transcendent greatness when they see it."

For some reason the stallion looked at Trixie as if she had said something very insulting. He flexed his mighty forelegs and planted Trixie's rump back onto her chair. He turned and ambled around the table and took the remaining empty seat. Trixie admired the view from behind him, wishing the big stallion would move his tail enough to give her a glimpse of his penis. Trixie felt sure it would be as impressive as the rest of him.

An awkward silence settled once everyone was seated again. Trixie decided to continue her streak of sensitivity.

"Trixie is impressed, Appleseed," she said agreeably. "One would never expect a pony as annoying as you to have such a handsome brother."

Appleseed gave her an angry look. "Ah told you, mah name is—"

"Big Macintosh!" Trixie said, ignoring the ignorant little hayseed once more. "Why has Trixie not seen you about the farm before? Surely Trixie could not have failed to notice such a paragon of stallionhood for so long."

Big Macintosh continued to look uncomfortable. Trixie concluded that he must suffer from some condition that prevented his face from reflecting his true feelings. Unfortunate, but the Great and Magnanimous Trixie would not hold it against him. She decided to continue talking as the sound of Trixie's voice invariably made things better in all circumstances.

"What is Trixie saying? Obviously a specimen such you handles the more important business of administration and decision-making, leaving the menial chores to ones more suited for them by temperament."

"Mah temperament?!" Appleseed exclaimed. Trixie continued to ignore her. The perky filly spoke up again.

"Big Mac was out dealing with our new buyer!"

Trixie made a noise of polite comprehension. "Trixie understands. Of course such a handsome pony would have a silver tongue to match."

Appleseed was the one making the choking sound this time. She pushed her plate away and rose from her seat.

"Alright Miss Great and Powerful, that's bout enough. Chow time's over. Time to get a move on."

Trixie continued talking as if she hadn't heard. Which she had, of course, she simply found the incoherent buzzing sound annoying and felt utterly unsurprised to discover that the farmhouse had some sort of infestation.

"Now then, 'Big Macintosh,' Trixie—"

Something rough, thick and flexible fell over Trixie's head and tightened around her barrel. She looked down curiously to see a rope drawn taut across her chest. She was about to say something appropriately indignant when a sudden sharp tug pulled her out of her seat to land still seated on the floor. Trixie's lovely rump was receiving a quite the workout this morning. She turned her head to see Appleseed standing beside the now open front door with the end of that shabby lasso gripped in her mouth. Appleseed gave the rope another yank and Trixie half-bounced, half-slid across the dining room floor.

"Wait!" Trixie said as she was dragged towards the door. "Trixie is not finished!" Her eyes met Big Macintosh's.

"Call me!" she blurted. And then she was gone.


End file.
